So it’s a new year. Not that the date means anything. Time is relative. I guess people start thinking about it more when the year changes. It emphasizes a new block of time and makes people think about what they’ve done with the one that just passed. Then they start making all kinds of resolutions and promises to themselves and others about what they are going to do with the new year to come.
I don’t do resolutions. But I am thinking about the coming months and what I want from this year. In a nut shell, I want something different. I want a year I can look back on and say, “Damn that was good.” I haven’t had one of those years in a very long time.
I think part of it is that my eldest child turned 18 right after the change of the year. According to the law she’s a legal adult now. If she wants to do something she doesn’t have to ask my permission or even let me know if she doesn’t want to. I feel redundant. I still have my son for a few more years, but I know how fast time goes by.
So I’ve been thinking quite a bit these last few weeks about what I want from the coming year. What do I want for and from myself. Here are a few things I’ve come up with.
I want to learn to really like myself for who I am. I’ve always had a self-esteem problem. From the time I was a child I have felt that I could never quite measure up. I was taught that what talents I did possess weren’t really me but were god working through me so I shouldn’t get all proud of myself. So I’ve always depended on other people to let me know if I was worth anything. Unfortunately that has just made me feel more worthless when I didn’t please the people in my life and felt their disappointment. In a way I have used that as an excuse to hide behind. Why bother trying to do things when the people in my life will just shoot me down if I don’t meet their standards. I need to take my strengths and talents, the things I know I’m good at and enjoy, and do them for myself.
I want a passionate year. I am a sensualist. I love feeling. Touching, being touched. Experiencing the world around me through physical exploration. I am a very sexual person. At least I was up until this past year. I’ve become a bit cut off from that side of me over the last year. Again partly because I have made how other people react to me form my opinion of myself. I’ve relied on others expressing desire for me or because of me to be my gauge. A lack of that in my primary relationship has left me feeling undesirable and unwanted…fat and ugly. Those are nasty words, but I’m owning them. These feelings have muzzled my muse. My creativity is stiffled because it comes from the sensual feelings I used to revel in. I’ve been here before in my life. But you know what they say, if you don’t learn a lesson the first time around it comes back for you to learn again. This year will be a year of passion. Passion for my life. All the things I derive pleasure from, that I feel in my very core, are the things I will pour my focus into. If in the course of doing that it overflows onto those around me and they derive pleasure from it then that’s just icing on the cake.
I want to become proactive in the running of my life. How to explain this…I have a habit of letting life happen to me. I daydream and wish for something better, but I don’t take action to get it. There are a few things that I am going to actively start pursuing that will improve my life. From the usual healthier lifestyle that most people say they are going to start living to actively going after real publication of my writing in some form.
I think that’s a good start for now. I feel good about my prospects for the coming year.
